Big Boy Productions: Reloaded

Thursday, July 01, 2004

F-Zero Story Mode Chapter 7: It's not any fun unless I can win, you faggots

As much as I'd like to take credit for the following post, IT IS NOT MY WORK. This was written by a member of the Something Awful Forums known as Nipple Bandit on 9-22-03. He was playing a game for the Nintendo GameCube known as F-Zero GX and got a little pissed off at the game. Maybe a little pissed off is an understatement, you can decide.

Shortly after posting this rant against F-Zero GX, a brilliant member named Fragmaster recorded a dramatic reading of the post, and then uploaded it in MP3 format. Here is not only the text of the post, but the dramatic reading of the post.

Start playing the MP3, then read along. Get ready to laugh. Hard.

F-Zero.mp3 -- start playing this before reading the post.


Dear Nintendo:
YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY FUCKING GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.

Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the fucking television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the damn thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm shits in my gaping mouth. Swear to god, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless shitstove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single fucking digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.

WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand fucking prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single fucking advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.

How in the fuck does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of shit next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO FUCKING GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this shithead anywhere near the top fucking 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST FAGGOT IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE FUCKING FUTURE.

But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire fucking lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.

But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of shit hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four fucking boosts! Add to this the entire course just got shitted on by some retarded space tiki volacano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.

HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well fuck that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.

Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge fucking kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the asshole game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.

It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of shit clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your fucking mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and fucking DIE DIE DIE.

RE: University of Iowa Orientation

When I first went to Ames, I said a small prayer that the water wasn't as bad as Iowa City's water. I used to live in Iowa City, and it is HORRIBLE.

For the uninitiated... you may be wondering what the problem with Iowa City water is.

Go to a swimming pool, take a drink of the water, and you have Iowa City water, minus the urine. It's that chlorinated. When you take a shower, it smells like a swimming pool. It's horrible.

Ames' water is actually similar to my well water at home... it has a pretty high mineral content, which is perfect for me. I actually think it's a lot like my home water, except it's not soft water. My fridge in Ames was stocked at any given time with probably between 12-24 water bottles. I drank like two or three a day.

Also, that sounds like a ridiculous orientation. Iowa State's was lame, to be certain, and way too long, but there was a pretty high amount of useful information, and we did very little to do with schedules until the second day.

I walked into Carver Hall, met my academic advisor, and he sat me down at his desk, had me go to AccessPlus (ISU's version of ISIS), and sign for classes. It took like 5 minutes.

EDIT: Welcome to the glory of the College Town (TM). God bless co-eds.

EDIT 2: And before ANYONE says there are no hot chicks at Iowa State, I present to you the following URL.
http://iowastate.campusauthority.com/cycloneside/archive.asp

Bostonian accent... hawt...

I was just watching the Red Sox - Yankees game, and they intereviewed the Ford Fan of the Game on NESN, and it was a chick from the Naval Academy. She's a lifelong Sox fan, and has a thick Boston accent. She wasn't amazingly cute, but damn, the accent was amazingly hot.

"GO SAWX!"

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Badd Girlz Productions

Back during the heyday of BBP, some of those who lost BBP posting privileges for various reasons formed a "renegade site" called Badd Girlz Productions. The site was a direct rip of the BBP layout at the time, only with a pink background (of course). It's good for a couple laughs, especially Jamie Barron's posts.

Badd Girlz Productions

eXTReMe Tracking

Once again, we have a tracker. Since BBP has reopened, I haven't had a chance to add one, but I finally did tonight. Notice the little purple planet deal beneath the Blogger button? That's our tracker! You can click that at anytime to see what kind of visitorship BBP is experiencing. I don't think we'll be topping the kind of visitorship we had at our peak in 2001, but we'll give it a shot.

One cool thing is that this is the actual tracker we used on BBP before -- so it should have all of our old stats from "back then".

eXTReMe Tracking

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

RE: WORK IS STARTING TO BLOW

Christ, tell me about it. My manager loves to schedule me Tuesday through Sunday, giving me only Monday off every week. This week, he actually saw fit to give me Monday AND Tuesday off. Wow!

I don't know about you Dave, but I can't wait to get back to school.

Herky On Parade

To celebrate the 75th anniversary of Kinnick Stadium, the University of Iowa has an event going on called, "Herky on Parade", which features Herky the Hawkeye dressed up in a variety of ways. These sculptures can be found throughout the Iowa City and Coralville area.

A friend of mine, Erin Fitzgerald, created Lifeguard Herky, so you should really click the link below and vote for Erin's Herky.

Herky On Parade

Monday, June 28, 2004

Cedar Point Videos

Cedar Point posts only really shitty QuickTime videos on their site. If you want to see some amature video in MPEG format, you gotta check this shit out. It's just some dude with a camcorder riding Millenium Force and Top Thrill Dragster. Sure the video is kinda shitty / shaky, but that only reinforces the point. Watch the Top Thrill Dragster one, and you'll crap yourself.

Video Gallery

NFL Blitz on the N64

Talking to Swifty today reminded me of a funny story from a while back. Back in 1998, StarCraft was a brand new game, having just seen release in April of that year, and NFL Blitz was the hot new game on the N64. One feature of Blitz 64 was the ability to make your own plays.

I went over to Swifty's house to play a game of Blitz, and he loaded up his custom playbook. I laughed heartilly as I noticed that all of his plays were named after StarCraft strategies! He had a Shotgun Bomb called "Reaver Drop". He had a strong sweep known as "Zealot Rush", and probably several others I can't think of.

Those were the days.

Cedar Point, The Roller Coaster Capital of the World!

Last summer, during my family's vacation across the eastern United States, we spent two days at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio.

Cedar Point is, without question, the greatest amusement park on the face of the Earth. This is not an opinion, this is undisputed FACT. Cedar Point is the Mecca of Rollercoasters. They have held the title of world's tallest rollercoaster on four separate occasions, including currently. They hold the record for most rollercoasters in one location. They have every kind of rollercoaster you can think of.

* Traditional Suspension? Check. (Raptor)
* Suspended car? Check. (Iron Dragon)
* Track over the midway? Check. (Corkscrew)
* Stand-up coaster? Check. (Mantis)
* Tallest (420 feet) and fastest (0-120, less than 4 s.) in the world? Check. (Top Thrill Dragster)
* Third tallest (330 feet) in the world? Check. (Millenium Force)
* Wooden? Check. (Blue Streak and Mean Streak)
* Indoors on tubes instead of track? Check. (Disaster Transport)
* Forward *AND* Backward rollercoaster? Check. (Wicked Twister)
* Racing rollercoaster? Check. (Gemini)
* Previous tallest in the world record holder? Check. (Magnum XL-200)

There is such a variety of coasters, plus tons of other quality thrill rides too. You can never go back to Adventureland again after you experience Cedar Point. 90 foot high coasters (Tornado and Dragon) just aren't that great after you've gone on 420, 330, and 200 foot coasters.

Top Thrill Dragster was my second favorite coaster there. It is the now-infamous tallest/fastest coaster in the world. It's not your traditional "ride the chain up the hill and coast through the rest of the track" business. No sir. It's supposed to simulate what it's like to be in a dragster. You get loaded into you car, and it pulls up to the starting line. Cedar Point saw fit to pipe in engine-revving noises. At this point, your heart is beating nearly out of your chest as you stare down the track. Way off in the distance, you see the hill. At 420 feet high, it is the tallest object on the Cedar Point penninsula. It towers alone. Millenium Force, the previous tallest coaster in the world sits 90 feet below the hill. It's a 90 degree angle. Straight up in the air. A quick turn, and you come straight down, again 90 degrees. It's so far off in the distance, it's hard to discern the individual crossbars on the track.

The engine revving continues. You can't take the suspense anymore -- why won't they launch the damn thing already? All of a sudden, the sound of tires screaming fills the air. Suddenly, you're pressed into your seat harder than you've ever felt before. The forces are amazing. The wind is nearly drying out your eyes you're moving so fast. You try to scream, but can't. You can't even blink. The hill, which was once far off in the distance is now hurtling toward you so fast you can't comprehend it. You can't be moving THAT fast. All of a sudden, you're flipped 90 degrees. Now you're heading straight toward the sun. Gravity AND centripetal force are both acting on you. The car slows... nearly crawls to cross the top of the hill. You're at the top, and you look around for a second. What an amazing view! Cedar Point's on a peninsula, so you see nothing but water on three sides. You can look down on Millenium Force (no small coaster itself) like it's some weak Adventureland ride.

The beauty's over. The horizon flips again, and now you can see only one thing -- the ground. You are now heading straight down. Not 70 degrees, not 80 degrees, but 90. What was nearly indistinguishable becomes real big, real fast. Again, you can't scream. Just as you think you're going to meet a horrible death, the coaster straightens out and quickly slows to a crawl. You can't do anything but sit there and suck in air. It feels like you haven't had a breath for a minute. Your heart better stop beating so hard, or it's going to beat right through your ribcage. You smile, realizing you just rode the tallest and fastest rollercoaster in the world. You rode Top Thrill Dragster, and it's one of the most exhilirating rides you will ever experience.

TTD was just one of my favorites. My other two were Millenium Force and Raptor. Millenium Force was built in 2000, and used to hold the record of tallest and fastest. It's a bit more traditional than Top Thrill Dragster is. It is indeed your usual "ride the chain lift to the top of the hill and coast through the rest" kind of rollercoaster. However, Millenium Force was so tall, it wasn't feasible to use a chain to lift the train to the top of the 330 foot hill. They invented a new technology, called "elevator lift" to take you to the top. It glides smooth, like an elevator, and is very quick -- I think we climbed Millenium Force's 330 foot hill faster than Magnum XL-200's 200 foot hill.

Of course, the elevator lift failed when I rode Millenium Force near the top of the hill, leaving us stranded 300 feet in the air for nearly 20 minutes. Of course, this owas the one coaster we convinced my mom to ride. She almost freaked out. She hates coasters. Eventually, the problem was resolved, and we rode through the rest of the ride without a problem. What a ride it was! The turns are hyper-banked, they are actually banked more than 90 degrees, so the train is kind of upside down as you go through the turns. The first drop is breathtaking. It is an 80 degree angle, and it is so steep, it almost seems like the hill goes under itself. It's hard to explain, but as the train turns to take the angle, it just keeps turning and turning, you can't believe how steep it is. It's your traditional coaster on steroids (no loops), and is just an absolute blast.

My other favorite is Raptor. Raptor is your traditional suspension coaster ala "Batman: The Ride" at Six Flags, to give an example. This is an absolute MUST to ride front row. There is nothing in front of you... or below you. Raptor is neat because it's not just a big out-and-back coaster. It's a very tight layout, with tons of loops and inversions. The forces are very, very, strong, and I've never given my inner ear such a workout. This is one coaster we rode twice, and for good reason -- it rocks.

Zakk, Mike Keesy, myself, and maybe someone else are going to make the trek to Sandusky, Ohio either the last week of July, or the second week in August to take in Cedar Point in all its glory ourselves. We're going on either Sunday, July 26th and Monday July 27th, or Sunday, August 8th, and Monday, August 9th. Yes, it takes two days to fully experience Cedar Point. If anyone would be interested in going with us, you should contact me. We'd like to have someone else go with us. It would be even cooler if someone else would helm another car and we could have a whole group hit CP, but only four people can ride in my car, so someone else would have to take the initiative to put together another group of people. I might be able to arrange some deals on hotels through Matthew Thomas Ward, so consider it!

Link: Cedar Point Amusement Park

Dave Johnson's Hermione Shrine

This link defies words, but I'll try anyways. This is the website of a man who is totally, utterly and completely infatuated with Emma Watson, who plays Hermione in the Harry Potter films. Apparently, she turns 16 soon, and would be legal to have sex with (not statutory, I guess). This man talks in great detail the lengths he will take once that birthday takes place to initiate a relationship with her. It is truly mind-blowingly disgusting, and I submit it for the approval of the BBP society.

Link: Dave Johnson's Hermione Shrine